I need an outlet... One that cannot be judged by anyone else. Where I can pour out my thoughts, without the worry of having to filter some out. I loathe the fact that I cannot put down my true thoughts, even sometimes lie about the emotion or situation because I know who regularly looks at my blogs. People who only get enjoyment of seeing my when I am down. Don’t take pleasure from my pain. This is real.

I have long swirled thoughts around in my head and others wonder why I seem so sad. I cannot escape myself even on a good day. I hate the resentment and anger I feel inside... Why does it have to be this hard? Life always has been for me, truly and it was situations I didn’t bring on myself. It was only recently that I stumbled on the fact that life, is to be enjoyed. That in order to be happy you have to let these little things go. That one, simple, short statement, is harder to live by than anything else.

This dark shadow looms behind me and sometimes it is on the brink of catching up. Its as if I am a jet, furiously trying to fly into the sunrise. The night is always chasing me, the dark looming thoughts and depression. When I have to rest or get distracted... BAM its on my ass again and all the previous work is lost and my end seems so far away... I know that we never reach the sun just flying into the horizon, but that thought always keeps me going. I always picture this scenario in my head as if I am looking at the earth from the moon. There is no destination, just happiness with darkness always looming but you have to stay ahead. Sometimes it seems pointless, it does on paper anyway.

I am not one that sits in ignorance that believes things will all work out, that life will be ok, people will get what is coming to them and things are meant to be. Sorry, I have long over thought ideas, situations and every possible way something can go wrong, well that was the way of thinking for the first 23 years of my life and I am not only 23 years and 2 months old. I’m somewhere in the middle of those thoughts now. I have hope but I don’t depend on it, you have to get off your ass to change things in your life.

My story is no different from anyone else’s... Yeah I had a shitty childhood, my parents got divorced, dad was an asshole and that was who I was stuck with. The details however, I have learned, are like no one else’s. I was treated like shit, and no I wasn’t a bad kid. I was the total opposite of what you are thinking. Yet I was treated like a kid that was gay and smoking pot, that lived with a military father. Oh yeah don’t forget his mail order brides... You can see where my "normal" lies.

The way I carry myself and come across, gives the impression I am confident and have this glamorous life, which is non-existent. I only wish I had a fraction of what people thought I had. It has been so hard to let the anger that I harbor from the past and I had no control over, go. The only place I could ever escape was my mind and only will myself to die so I wouldn’t be able to feel. Part of me did years ago and I still am trying to recover. I have tried so hard to let that past go, as I am unable to forget all of it. My sisters and I joke at how odd my punishments were and why they are laughing, its all I can do to not cry. It literally took a toll on my psyche.

Running was his usual punishment of choice. Running up and down I-35 on a cold day for a mile, because I wouldn’t stop leaning on the door. Humiliated I got out of the car and ran while my entire family watched. Running around the block several times while he timed me, at any time of the day or night. Whenever he felt like I pissed him off. If we weren’t home for me to fun around the block, like at grandma's, he would take me to the track and make me run miles. There was one night I just went to the school and laid down in the playground and he went looking for me, that’s when he decided to make me dig in the backyard. Oh, the digging nights... I would look at the stars and wonder why in the hell was this happening to me. He never ceased to get in my face, just to make sure I was pounded emotionally as hard as was possible, into the ground. I tried to stand up to him but after a while I just gave up and took what was coming to me. I try to forget the actual hitting, and I think I will.

And just for the record, I FUCKING HATE, HATE, HATE running now. I don’t hate exercise, just running. I don’t hate running because I am fat and lazy and power walking comes awful close to running. So... that was just for the record. *wink* I should go up to the gym and just flat out say, "I'm ready to work but you better find a creative way for me to do so, because I refuse to run." My knees also appreciate that fact, they aren’t doin so well these days.

Letting this all go is hard. One day I just went through all my journals and tore out every suicide letter I wrote and every hate letter I had written. It was all wishful thinking (suicide). I could never bring myself to do it and part of me envied those that could. If I was going to try and move on, I couldn’t take these tangible thoughts with me. I tore journals upon journals, into just a few pages that I keep in a box. Kinda ironic now that I think about it. I kept tedious journals full of thoughts to remember, only to realize years later they belonged in the trash. If there was ever one thing I learned from reminiscing... Is that life is like Texas weather... Stick around a bit and you are guaranteed it will change, you just cant predict into what. Oh how that life seems so far away... That it is beyond the horizon I can barely remember, but this is about not looking back. So I press on....

I can honestly sit here and say I am nothing like the person I felt even a year ago. On my own I figured this all out and have tried to enjoy life more. I just needed to let some of that out, so don’t fear for me, this wasn’t a backslide. As I typed just now, I realized more about myself than I had before. This me that I hide in shame from everyone, over a past that I couldn’t control and have no magical powers to redo, is free. At least I can say that I am happy, for once, I am truly happy.